Still Here...

Months later, still here, no baby, no hope. That's all for now.

Life...

doesn't owe me anything.

Lung Cancer...

is on a rampage. Drs said if he doesnt have treatment he will not make it a year. With treatment, its a 25% chance. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't accept it. Never.

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Got my diagnosis today at the RE. She didnt even need to do bloodwork. I took in my ovulation predictor kit (20 test strips taped together, ocd, I know) she took one look at them and said, oh no you have pcos. She said I never had a lh surge. The pcos is the reason I was having light and dark lines on every strip.

Anyways, heres the plan now. I can't take metformin due to my kidney transplant, but she said the south beach diet, and 30 minutes of exercise 5xs/week works the same. I need to take 10 days of prometrium to start my period, then on day 3 of nmp get a fasting test of all my hormone levels + glucose. Day 7-12, a sonohysterogram to check tubes, ovaries and uterus. If I get a +opk then 8 days after I will get a midluteal progesterone level. If not, then I wont. I also have to do opks and temps from now on.

On june 26th, after all bloodwork and levels are back, I will go back and discuss whats next. She said shes pretty sure it will be clomid. So, thats my story. I feel like a crazy mad scientist with all my papers and charts.

You know what the weird thing was? The whole time I was in the office listening to the doctor talk, I kept thinking "what if my baby grows up to be a serial killer?" isnt that horrible to think.

Trying To Be Strong

Well, I am ready to talk about the storm. This is really hard for me, I hate admitting that something is wrong with someone I love, but I want to put it out there and get as many positive vibes as I can.

My dad's lung cancer has returned after 6 years cancer free. The docs originally thought that it was in his lymph nodes, and we just found out its not. Thats the good news. The bad news is, my dad is not a candidate for surgery. The tumor is what the doctors call "massive", and is surrounding his major arteries to his heart. I am freaking out, but want to be strong for him and the family. I am a better patient than I am support team member. I can go thru any test, surgery, pain and scars with a smile. But, put one person I love in the hospital and I am a basket case.

My dad is so strong. I have never given him enough credit for the wonderful dad he is. I know this sounds rude, but I have had a couple people tell me..."Oh, he is 71, he has lived such a nice long life" Whatever, 71 years isnt shit, and anyone who knows my dad knows he is one person who should live to 100. He dances at least 3-5 times a week. He teaches line dancing, and is in a band. He doesnt drink, or smoke (he quit smoking 50 years ago) and has always eaten healthy.

I want to be a positive force in his life. He will start chemo and radiation soon and I dont know what to expect. I'm so scared, and I have had a migraine since monday. Nothing makes sense to me right now, and I feel like I am crashing. I don't want it to seem like "Oh, poor, poor me" I am not the one that has to live this everyday like he does. I can't imagine what he is feeling or thinking. He always seems so upbeat. I am sure alot of that is for our benefit.

More later, my brain hurts.

Another Step In The Process

Well, my Drs appt. went good yesterday. The doctor said my kidney transplant is the least of his worries, so that made me feel good. My blood pressure is down, but not perfect so he wants me to keep working at that. He upped my folic acid to 2 mg, and raised my bp meds. I got all the pre-pregnancy screenings for RH factor, clotting factors, Cystic fibrosis gene, and some other things I cant remember. I didn't get put on clomid, he is sending me to a reproductive endocrinologist next thursday to have my thyroid checked, and do the testing for pcos. They will be the ones to rule out any conditions that could be causing my infertility, and decide if clomid is the best route . So, one more step in this baby making process.

The Countdown Begins!!!!

Oh Yeah...

Appointment with high risk ob/gyn is may 14th.

Storm is still on the horizon. Just waiting to see if it gains or loses force.

Going Raw

Tomorrow Harry, Willie and myself are going raw. I had Harry on a raw diet when he was a puppy, and he did so great. I have been off and on a semi-vegetarian diet for years, but It never seems to last. This time we are all going raw. The dogs will get raw meat, veggies and cooked brown rice. I am doing all raw, no meat, dairy, poultry, fish or eggs. Nothing cooked over 116 degrees. I have been wanting to try this for so long. We will see how it goes. I am following the 80-10-10.

It gets pretty expensive feeding two medium-large sized dogs raw food, but with all the recalls I just can't justify buying and feeding them that crap anymore. I still have to look into the cats diets and see if I can find a healthy raw diet for them.

I tend to start alot of things, and not finish them. This is something I am working on. I am still going to dream and think and start and fail things. I am just not going to tell anyone anymore unless I am serious. Then no one will know if I failed or not. :)